Strong? Maybe

Life! The strongest word I can think of. It can make you have all the emotions at once. It can hurt yet be amazing. All in the same 30 mins or less.

So today's topic.. Depression

Depression is a scary word. It can affect people without you even noticing. Even the strongest person you know has had some sort of depression. I think it depends on how we as a person can handle it. I have been in that dark world. Let's talk..

For those that know me, you are more then likely holding their mouth open right now. Words I have heard said to me "You are the strongest person I know.", "I wish I had the strength you had.", "You are who I look up to because you always smile through the toughest times". They are correct. I am that person. I am also the person that cried herself to sleep for many nights with no one knowing. I am also the person that sat on her couch wondering if I should continue to live. Yep that is me. 

Most people will wonder how can you be both. Well, I always pulled myself out of the moment. I also can be a very good actor. I say that with a smile but it is true. Now that you know I am normal, if that is even a real word. The next question I get asked is "How do you do that?"  

Well this is how my brain works. I would never kill myself.  Why? My life is so unusual that if I tried something strange would happen. So lets say, I took an overdose. I would wake up with me saying the word "underwear" every 2 minutes. Could you imagine? Someone walks up and ask. "How are you? Are you ok?" I am underwear. I will be ok. The doctor said I may have to rest for a while." Them. What?  Me "Yes I have to go. My underwear needs to be feed. They have barked all night.

Seriously, this is how my brain works. Scary huh? So I ask myself do I want to live like that? No.. Ok, then I get my butt up and go on with my day. This would seriously be something that would happen. Nothing normal would happen. While a lot of people would laugh, I just can not see myself going around saying underwear every two minutes. So I get my butt up stop crying and go do something to get my mind off the sadness. 

I am well aware that this is not how most people think. I am also well aware that everyone would not have this happen but I would. You will see as this blogs continues. 

Basically it does not take long for me to shake my head and stand back up. The other difference in me is, I am not letting any one or any thing control me. I had to learn this a long time ago. Now I use it a lot. The strong part of me is right there in those words. This is how I look at it. If someone is hurting my feelings, they are controlling my feelings. If something makes me sad. It is controlling me. So then I have to find a way to stop it. It may be to smile. It may be to find another way to look at it. It may be to walk away. I try to make sure I am in control of my happiness. I am not going to sit here and say that it is not hard. Remember I cried for several NIGHTS. My strong comes from wanting to be happy. I have to be able to control that. 

I have been told it is all about me. In this case, yes it is. If I do not stop those things controlling my happiness then they can destroy me. So yes it is about me. Here is where I am proud to say that.

This may not work for everyone. so I want to add a little more.  If you are in that place. Talk to someone. Someone you trust. If you trust no one. Come to me. I will make a deal with you. You will never be judged by me nor will you ever hear another word unless we are working together to help each other. Another thing I always say is. I learn from every experience.